Discovering Self-Discovery

If you’ve read my first ever post, you know that I love to travel. This past spring, I spent a semester abroad in Croatia and am gearing up to go on another exchange in South Korea. This time will be going for the whole academic year, and I couldn’t be more excited. I know I will face some challenges—I did in Croatia—but I know I’ll be able to overcome them and won’t let them undermine my experience.

         The question is: why do I love to travel so much? Most people only go on one exchange—semester or summer—during their college career, but I will be spending three out of eight semesters abroad. And it’s not that I’m not worried about having my experience be similar to others, but it got me thinking about why I so desperately want to go again.

There are a couple reasons I can identify:

First off, I had such a great experience previously. Despite the struggles I had early on with finding a friend group and the ones I had later on with binge eating, I was really happy the whole time. I really don’t think I’ve been any happier. I met such great people, learned about different cultures and customs, and saw the world. It was an experience I’ll never forget.

Secondly, I have no friends at my home university. All my friends from my hometown live elsewhere for college. Since starting college, I’ve spent each semester in a different school. The first three semesters I never made any friends because I was either depressed or healing from depression and social anxiety; and the fourth semester I was abroad.

Furthermore, I felt like I was stepping into the person I was always meant to be. That doesn’t mean there weren’t times of insecurity and self-doubt. But, overall, I felt more like me than I have ever been. It was such an indescribable feeling that I want to get back to.

Overall, I think a lot of my desire stems from fear. Fear that I won’t be able to make friends here. Fear that I’ll never feel that way again. Fear that I’ll never be able to become the person I’m meant to be here. And maybe it’s my intuition telling me I’m meant to live and work abroad—which I have been pondering—but it could also just be that this place reminds me of my past and old demons and that is why I feel I cannot flourish here.

Don’t get me wrong, desire derived from fear is valid desire. I’m scared of spiders, so I hope I never see one. It’s a real desire. They are all real, authentic desires. Nevertheless, I can’t help but worry about the consequences of ignoring those fears. Will they boil over in the future and burn me? I don’t know and that uncertainty fuels me with the desire to overcome them.

Nonetheless, I am going abroad again, and a month and a half is not enough time to sort this out. I’m spending my last year of college at home, so it will be postponed till then. I don’t have all the answers yet, but I do know how I feel. I’m still searching for the place where I can thrive, and I know it’s not here.

So, if you feel disconnected in your hometown or home university, just know I get it. It sucks but know that fear of home and that desire to leave are not something you should feel guilty for. Just do all you can to find fertile soil and do all you can to nourish the soil on which you stand.